This is a fun opening to Red Riding Hood! I really like your retelling of the beanstalk. I can see how it sets up the world of Red Riding Hood with the Mana. I think the characters are really interesting. It's cool to see how the fairytales are intermingling, like the woodcutter being the sheriff. I think the pacing was done well and the onflict was exciting. I was missing some world building. New elements like the wood cutter sheriff and the magic system are introduced so quickly in the dialogue. I did note that the mom started to say sheriff when the woodcutter first appeared, but I was thrown off a bit by that because it was "sheri", which made me think of the name and confused me. I moved on with no problem and understood once he was revealed as the sheriff. I'm not sure if you wanted me confused, though. Overall, I wanted to slow down a bit and get to know this world a bit, especially because this is the introduction to Red's world. Also, poor Jack apologizes so much! I was wondering why he was so quick to beg for forgiveness. I was wondering if his mom was really hard on him, but she wasn't in this story. I wanted to tell Jack to stop apologizing, he's doing the best he can! haha
I hope that helps and wasn't too much. Is this the kind of feedback you are looking for?
(Sorry for the late reply - I had an... UNUSALLY rough week at work, so I wanted to be in the right mindset before I read and replied. 😅)
Good point about the "Sheri-" thing! I'm... actually not sure IF I wanted to leave the reader in the dark at first or not, now that I'm reading it back! 😅
On the one hand, I could see value in explicitly having Mom call him the sheriff from the start... On the other hand, since I never have Jack's narration refer to him as the sheriff until he is explicitly called such, I wonder if my intention was to just have that be foreshadowing, while revealing him as the woodcutter traditionally found in Little Red Riding Hood first... AND THEN the 'twist' is that he's now a sheriff...
Something for me to think about!
Hmm, interesting thought about the worldbuilding.
In my mind, I had this as the "cold open" entry in the original trilogy (this was supposed to a trilogy, until it became a saga 😅), so most of the worldbuilding and such is actually left to the second entry!
After you've read that, please let me know if you think it ended up working out, or if more of the worldbuilding and such should have been included earlier on!
Haha, I can't really remember why I had Jack apologizing so much - I think it was maybe because he knows (on some level, even as a child) that things haven't been easy for his mother (and him)? But, hey, I take it as a plus that you felt for the narrator! 😆
Thank you again for reading and providing feedback - it is helpful and not too much at all!
And I'm glad that you seemed to have enjoyed it! 😄
I'll check out the next installment and let you know.
I still wonder if world building for Jack's world could help, though. There was desperation in the original fairytale that led to Jack purchasing the beans, but it's not as present in your retelling. Is that intentional?
Your feedback actually reminds me a lot of a piece of feedback that I received from a friend - they also said that they wanted to see more of Jack and his world until they realized (after reading the subsequent stories) that the focus of the series is more on Red and her world.
So it'll be interesting to see what you think as well! 😆
And, yep - if I remember right, I believe that I chose to focus more on Jack's discovery of his magic and then Red's involvement over Jack and his mother's situation and the desperation from it (though that's still there, of course).
That's because Red and this world's magic (super soft and not really explained, as you will see 😆) will take more of a central focus for the next two stories that I had planned at the time, so I was using this story to introduce both!
This is a fun opening to Red Riding Hood! I really like your retelling of the beanstalk. I can see how it sets up the world of Red Riding Hood with the Mana. I think the characters are really interesting. It's cool to see how the fairytales are intermingling, like the woodcutter being the sheriff. I think the pacing was done well and the onflict was exciting. I was missing some world building. New elements like the wood cutter sheriff and the magic system are introduced so quickly in the dialogue. I did note that the mom started to say sheriff when the woodcutter first appeared, but I was thrown off a bit by that because it was "sheri", which made me think of the name and confused me. I moved on with no problem and understood once he was revealed as the sheriff. I'm not sure if you wanted me confused, though. Overall, I wanted to slow down a bit and get to know this world a bit, especially because this is the introduction to Red's world. Also, poor Jack apologizes so much! I was wondering why he was so quick to beg for forgiveness. I was wondering if his mom was really hard on him, but she wasn't in this story. I wanted to tell Jack to stop apologizing, he's doing the best he can! haha
I hope that helps and wasn't too much. Is this the kind of feedback you are looking for?
Thank you so much for the feedback, Reina! 😄
(Sorry for the late reply - I had an... UNUSALLY rough week at work, so I wanted to be in the right mindset before I read and replied. 😅)
Good point about the "Sheri-" thing! I'm... actually not sure IF I wanted to leave the reader in the dark at first or not, now that I'm reading it back! 😅
On the one hand, I could see value in explicitly having Mom call him the sheriff from the start... On the other hand, since I never have Jack's narration refer to him as the sheriff until he is explicitly called such, I wonder if my intention was to just have that be foreshadowing, while revealing him as the woodcutter traditionally found in Little Red Riding Hood first... AND THEN the 'twist' is that he's now a sheriff...
Something for me to think about!
Hmm, interesting thought about the worldbuilding.
In my mind, I had this as the "cold open" entry in the original trilogy (this was supposed to a trilogy, until it became a saga 😅), so most of the worldbuilding and such is actually left to the second entry!
After you've read that, please let me know if you think it ended up working out, or if more of the worldbuilding and such should have been included earlier on!
Haha, I can't really remember why I had Jack apologizing so much - I think it was maybe because he knows (on some level, even as a child) that things haven't been easy for his mother (and him)? But, hey, I take it as a plus that you felt for the narrator! 😆
Thank you again for reading and providing feedback - it is helpful and not too much at all!
And I'm glad that you seemed to have enjoyed it! 😄
I'll check out the next installment and let you know.
I still wonder if world building for Jack's world could help, though. There was desperation in the original fairytale that led to Jack purchasing the beans, but it's not as present in your retelling. Is that intentional?
Please do!
Your feedback actually reminds me a lot of a piece of feedback that I received from a friend - they also said that they wanted to see more of Jack and his world until they realized (after reading the subsequent stories) that the focus of the series is more on Red and her world.
So it'll be interesting to see what you think as well! 😆
And, yep - if I remember right, I believe that I chose to focus more on Jack's discovery of his magic and then Red's involvement over Jack and his mother's situation and the desperation from it (though that's still there, of course).
That's because Red and this world's magic (super soft and not really explained, as you will see 😆) will take more of a central focus for the next two stories that I had planned at the time, so I was using this story to introduce both!